Just a speck of dust loving the rain

     In the outer hall of the main meeting room, by a long table absolutely covered in gray shirts, with two friends I've only grown close to just recently, I let the words, "Come thou fount of every blessing" flow out of the room where everyone else was and bring me back to a God I'd ignored all of the long summer.

     In the buzzing light of my rectangular porch, a night of 100 nights that I was alone, I made the paintbrush an extension of my hand for the first time in my life and made the blue streaks of the paint as I finally felt okay completely and blissfully alone. 

     Isn't it funny that the times we will always remember are times we never expected to be that meaningful? There are so many other times like that in my life, too many to count, times that creeped up behind me and became something that was just a part of me without me even noticing until they had. 

    And that, I've figured out, is what life is all about. In just 5 minutes, we can make a decision that might mean nothing that may make our 20 years in the future go from a husband and three kids to a successful career as a CEO. That's what's so scary, but it's also what's so great. No matter how scary change is, it keeps going. We can't avoid it. We can't hide from it. We simply live, and the days go on. 

     So try to remember that next time you've forgotten your umbrella and worn slippery shoes on the wettest downpour of the year. Don't throw up your hands and yell out in frustration. Throw those beautiful and free hands up and let the rain wash over you because, you never know, it might be your next memory. Just remember that without God's sovereign breath of life, none of it would happen and we wouldn't even have the opportunity to be thankful for the rain. 

"If it were his intention and he withdrew his spirit and breath, all humanity would perish together and mankind would return to the dust." (Job 34:14, 15 NIV)

7,380 Days

     There it is.  The dreaded link just beside the totally relevant article you're reading at work.  It won't hurt if you just click it and explore for a second, right?  Wrong.  Before you know it, your job has paid you to sit and peruse the internet, and you've somehow found a website that tells you your age in days, hours, and minutes.
     Why is this so fascinating to us?  Why am I stuck on the fact that I'm a mere 7,380 days old as of this very Tuesday during the summer before my junior year of college?  I think there's a few reasons.

1)  It seems an awful lot shorter than my age in years.
Even though 20 is a way smaller number than 7,380, for some reason the idea that I've woken up and been a human for more than 7,000 days seems so small, especially when you consider that for some of those years I wasn't exactly a completely functional human.  Let's consider for a moment how many days I've been an adult.  805 days.  Wow.  I've only had 805 days to wake up, be on my own, and make my own rational, or irrational choices.

2)  How many of these days have I wasted?
  Let's look again at how long I've been an adult.  Out of those 805 days, I've probably spent at least a large portion of them watching TV, eating, etc.  Based on the statistics, of those 805 days, about 5 hours of each day were taken up by TV.  So 425 hours (about 18 days) were spent watching TV.  I've literally wasted about 2.5 weeks of my adulthood watching TV.  I'm sure I've spend even longer sleeping, on the Internet, etc. Really gets those thoughts abuzzin' doesn't it?

3)  How many more "second," "third," etc. chances am I really going to get?
My loved ones have had only 7,380 days to forgive me, move on, and pick back up in our relationship when my better judgment goes on a vacation.  Wouldn't it be better to think carefully, consider others, and not need a second, or third, chance from now on so that even more of my days are wasted by hurting the people I care about?

4)  Am I really in a hurry?
When everything that's ever happened to me up to this point has happened to me in a mere 7,380 days, do I really need to rush anything?  In the next 7,380 days, a whole lifetime of events could happen, so why am I really that concerned if I'm 32 seconds late to meet my friend who really doesn't care what time I get there anyway?  Is it the tractor that caused me to slow down on the way there?  Because maybe if it hadn't slowed down to a BLOOD-BOILING 19.8 MPH I'd only have 7,380 days total or I'd spend my 7,381st day without seeing the sunset.

Just give it some thought.  What's MOST important to you?  If you don't know, what do you get the most emotional about?  I'm willing to bet that's what means the most to you deep down.  Maybe after finding our just how short your life really is you'll want to re prioritize or go up to that person you've already known for 479 days and finally tell them the truth of Jesus Christ.  I'm sure I'm going to waste hundreds more days, but I'll be sure to waste at least some of them thinking about how to not waste the remaining thousands. 

This week I met a firefighter named James.

     Now, before you ask me to tell my story about James the tall, dark, and handsome fireman who I met after he saved my precious cat from a tree and carried me into the sunset, I think it's high time to clarify.  While that would have been an absolutely excellent story to tell, the one I have for you today is light years away from the romantic firefighter love story type we all know and love. 
     It all starts with who I am, who I've been my entire life.  Out of all things that could mean something to me, I have always held words, my own and those of others, in extremely high regard.  To even a young 8-year-old version of myself, the sentence, "Actions speak louder than words,"  couldn't have been further from the truth.  It didn't matter if my younger brother screamed directly into my ear at the crack of dawn, pulled my hair, and hit me with a plastic hair dryer toy, if he said he loved me and was sorry, it meant the world to me, and it always has.  I always assumed it took a lot of courage to say exactly what one felt, and lounged like a proud king in his own gold on the fact that it'd never been hard for me to "say what 'ya need to say."
     Then I met James.  I'm specifically referring to the James who wrote the book in the Bible.  Now it all makes sense doesn't it?  It may or may not make sense to you now, but if it does or doesn't that's irrelevant because I'm going to tell you anyway as a tribute to my true blabbermouth nature.  In fact, the fact that I'm typing an entire rant about this subject is really an object of irony, but we'll get to that later.
     I met James the first time at Catholic church camp when he most often served as one of the authors of the Bible that happened to support that my works in life mattered when it came to my salvation.  The most popular of the verses to support this notion was James 2:18, "Now someone may say: "You have faith, and I have works."  Show me your faith without works!  But I will show you my faith by means of works."  I know now that Catholics, at least most of the ones I know, and I know A LOT, mean to use this verse in exactly the same way that others do, that works and faith go together, that our works are a natural product of our faith, and faith that doesn't produce works isn't very strong.  I know now that even the criminal who died next to Jesus in the smallest moment, performed a work, by allowing the words to slip his tongue and confess that, in his heart, he truly believed that the man next to him was his Savior.  But the point I want to make here is that when I first met James, I was under the impression that it mattered what I did in the aspect that I could walk my sinful self straight into Heaven, not that I had to consciously give my life up to my Heavenly Father every day and know that Christ alone is my salvation.  So, in glorious conclusion to that epically long paragraph, that's where I was with James when I first met him.
     My second encounter with James was probably when I started to read my Bible a lot more often, and by a lot more often, I mean once or twice a week instead of never.  However, the second time I really had a memorable encounter was during discipleship with my lovely new friend who I'll neglect to name in this blog for her privacy.  However, she's super wonderful and it's a gift from God to grow in faith with her together in college.  Anyway, we went through James together, and that was the first time I've ever read it all the way through and truly put Scripture to action in my life.  This time, we focused on a chapter a week, so I got all of it, but the verse that truly hit home was James 1:19, "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."  I think that verse speaks very strongly independent of my commentary, so I'll leave it at that, and that's where James and I were at the end of the school year. 
   FINALLY TO THE EXCITING PART.  Although I will take a moment to mention that this entire thing is exciting because God was working the entire time, however, it always seems to be the conclusion where I, the lowly and simple human, finally get to understand His great magnificent plan that excites me.
     So there I was, ready to enter a summer working and living in my apartment without my roommate, in town without any friends (or so I thought), sitting on the most comfortable couches in the world ready to have a Bible study with those of us who had remained in town for the summer.  Then, what do you know it?  We are studying JAMES this summer.  I can't even begin to explain the sinful dread that ran through my veins.  I had just read that, literally two weeks before.  I had just delved as deep as I possibly could into it and couldn't POSSIBLY see MORE God in something I'd read so many times.  Literally I thought about leaving that night and not coming back.  Because what was it worth?  Oh, boy, would I get to see that just a month down the road!
   Here I am now, sitting at work, passionately typing this long and drawn out blog and I've finally reached my point.  God, in all of His crazy beautiful wisdom had me sitting on those couches a month later, with a friend that I am so thankful is in town this summer.  God had me there, ready to hear the same book I'd read so many times before all over again.  But this time I heard something entirely different.  This time, my soul settled down on this passage: James 3:1-12

     "Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly. ² Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
³ We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. ⁴ And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. ⁵ In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.
But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. ⁶ And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.
⁷ People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, ⁸ but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. ⁹ Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. ¹⁰ And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! ¹¹ Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? ¹² Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.^"
     
      Now, for a moment, just let that lovely passage sink in.  Let the words travel from your brain to your soul, trickling down into every crevice that may or may not feel like hearing God today, and here's a little background on why, when I let it fill me up, it wracked everything I'd ever believed about words. 
      This summer, I have been more lonely than I've ever been in my entire life.  Regardless of the fact that I've found some friends to surround myself with, I still come home every night to a dark apartment and miss the ones that aren't here.  For me, that's the hardest thing in the entire world because there's nothing that means much more to me than my best friends.  When I am given the gift of friendship, those people become my family.  I've had all summer to feel what it'll be like when we leave college and don't get to see each other every night, and I've unfortunately made the mistake of replacing how sad it makes me with anger.  Because it's too sad for me to miss them, so I take their peace and acceptance towards life just happening as not caring.  I've lashed out more than enough times at them about every little thing when I don't get the words I want to hear from their mouths.  And boy I've never been more wrong. 
     See, the thing is, at all times I have so many words at the tip of my tongue, ready to bubble out. The difference in my life this summer is that it seemed like there's been no one to hear them.  I've been forced to realize that God had isolated us together this summer so I would learn that He would always be there to hear me.  While I've definitely grown and realized that that's true, it took until yesterday to comprehend the big beautiful picture sitting right in front of me.  
    
God has everyone where they are because that's where they're supposed to be.
    
The tongue, what we say, is a DIRECT outpouring of our soul. 

My soul, with such a need to expel my words and take in the words of others, wants nothing more
than to make everything okay, to stop life right where it is that it's most comfortable and sit there        and talk talk talk about how great it is to be there, unchanging and fat and happy. 

My tongue has set my entire life on fire and I can't control any other part of my life because I can't control it.  It's like a distress call at all times screaming, "I'm Sam's soul!  All I want is to know that it'll all be alright!" 

My friends souls aren't saying the same thing.  They are at the point where words don't mean everything.  So they don't have to tell me every moment that it's all going to be okay even though we're in different places, that we're just a phone call away even when life takes us away from college.
That most certainly does not mean they don't care, and now I know that the words I've uttered to them can hurt them as much as they hurt my soul to say.

When I'm a teacher, a more literal application of this passage, I could easily say something that sets someone else's life on fire because the thing is, fire spreads.  Even in situations where I can't directly say thing about my Lord and Savior, my soul will say it all with the words that roll off my tongue.  And that's a work in it of itself, just like the words of the criminal next to Jesus.  So that's another reason why I should remember this forever.

If you haven't caught on to the irony yet, it's that I'm writing a long story about how I no longer need to make everything a long story.  I'm sure most of you had would get that by now, but there's always those out there like me who need the point to smack into them directly.  Anyways..

It's extremely important for me to have seen this larger picture.  I know now, after truly hearing James, the firefighter who was divinely inspired to write what would put out the hellfire on my tongue, that everything is going to be alright.  No longer will every outcry of my soul dash run off of my tongue with my words.  God's here.  It's safe.  And everything will be okay. 


    

An Early Throwback Thursday: A Look at My 3 Year Old College Essay

     "If you start out at the top of the Virginia Creeper Trail, its seventeen miles to the bottom, maybe one or two more to the bike rental shop.  In the beginning, you don't even have to pedal your bike because the slope of the mountain carries you down, away from the clouds.  As you ride through trees, over bridges, and along crystal-clear rivers, you are initially mesmerized by the colors of the outdoors, sounds of the rustling leaves and flowing waters of the mountain rivers.  The wind rushing by your face feels pleasant and gives you a sense of energy.  People surround you, and all you feel is happiness.
     Eventually, you reach a point where you have to pedal a little bit on your own because the ground doesn't slope as sharply.  The energy remains, and so does the happiness, but you feel different because the trees, though beautiful, have become familiar.  You pay more attention to detail.  The bridges get more difficult to cross because they are narrow and seem to come more often.  A desire emerges to document your experience, and you take many pictures to remember the environment and the people you meet.  The trail slowly but surely approaches the ground, where the city is.  
     The trail slightly flattens, but still slopes.  Muscles feel a dull ache, and the seat becomes uncomfortable.  Your mindset and position has to adjust often to remain in a happy state, but the beauty is still recognizable when you continue to work hard and follow the path.  The people around you are a support system because you're all experiencing this together, but the ability to keep going and finish this impressive goal comes from within.  You feel a sense of accomplishment and a desire to move forward and keep achieving.  However, sometimes, hills feel harder to get over than others, and you get discouraged and frustrated.  It takes effort to keep going.  
     Finally, you're approaching the end of the ride.  There is no longer a slope, only occasional rolling hills.  More people surround you, not just bikers, but the residents of the city, living their lives, like the life you will soon return to.  It's all you can do to stay on the bike now; you just want to get off and walk.  You feel a sense of pride for what you have accomplished: riding 17 miles down a mountain.  As you pedal up the last few feet of the ride, towards the bike shop, in viewing distance, you realize that, though you have loved your beautiful ride through the clouds, it is time to enter real life, with all the memories you have in hand as you move forward.  You're ready to embrace life, wanting to help everyone else in the world feel the way you do about life and the amazing beauty that you have uncovered in the world.  No matter how hard you have to work, you're ready to not just to enjoy the beauty, but make it more beautiful."

The above text is my college essay, written almost three years ago.  Reading through it does a few things to me.  Number one, I want nothing more but to go through and edit, changing things that reflect changes in me.  I also want to leave it how it is, to remember how I felt then.  Because I never would have written like this today.  It makes me yearn for my youth, for my image of the world.  I still think it's beautiful, but I want to see it that way again always.  I also find it laughable how I thought that my image of the world, my little corner, was meant to be imparted on everyone, that my difference was one that mattered, when in fact, it's the difference itself that matters, not mine, and other views are also essential.  Even if they're completely different.  I think the main thing is that I'm glad I still have it, to remember.  Because on those days when I get a little too "dress pants," a little too "time to pay the bills," or even a little, "It's 8pm and I'm tired," I can always remember my ride in the clouds.  

Love Letter

Dear my Heavenly, gracious, and beautiful Father,

            I gave my life to you more than a year and a half ago, but today, it’s my heart I’m finally relinquishing.  Since You created it, it was never really mine to begin with, but I held onto it, selfishly and constantly hoping an imperfect man would come along to love me.  I wanted more than anything to give it away in a split second, and with it, forget who truly is after my heart.  After all, You did say, “…give me your heart.  May your eyes take delight in following my ways” (Proverbs 23:26).  And God, truly I now delight in Your ways and give you my heart fully, in all it’s brokenness. 

            I’m in love with You, God, because You are the loyal man I always wanted.  I just never saw it because I was too blind to it.  You gave up what was most precious to You, Your Son, to save me and everyone else from being away from you forever.  You let Jesus die on the cross to save us from Your own anger.  What’s even more beautiful about it is that You had the right to be angry.  Even though as men, we pulled away from our precious, strong, and amazing creator, You made us right with You because You loved us that much. 

            I’m in love with You because You want us to share Your love.  You have so much love for each and every person that You have an anointed and Holy plan to not leave a soul behind.  And, You love us enough to give us the opportunity and the gifts to have that responsibility. 

            Finally, I’m in love with You because You took a broken, self-hating, prideful, doubtful, gluttonous, pleasure-seeking person like me and made me a strong, brave, humble, confident, balanced, and sure person who loves myself wholly and completely as the beautiful creation You made me to be.  Through You, I’ve accomplished things I never could have alone.

            And those, God, are the reasons You have my heart.  I don’t need a man to fill that role.  I don’t need a man to be loyal to me.  I don’t need a man to give himself up for me.  Because I already have that.  If there is a man that You have for me, I pray that he gives his heart completely up to You, and that we can serve You together.  That I will never be disappointed in his lack of perfection or unsure of his love because our love will be safe in You.  And if there isn’t, I will humbly and joyfully serve You forever. 

Amen

God Has Blessed NYC

This week, the college ministry I'm involved in went to New York City for Spring Break.  Throughout the week, we traveled around the city in our assigned groups, participating in a prayer tour and serving across the city.  Even though it's only halfway over, I lost my pen and was inspired to make my journal entry for today a blog post.  I've learned a few things that I feel are extremely life changing when it comes to living a missional lifestyle. Now, I don't know about you, but for me, every time I heard someone tell me to live missionally (before this trip), I had the hardest time with it.  I have a really hard time talking to people anyway, so being around people all day and having to converse intentionally was extremely overwhelming.  But here's what I learned, mostly from the staff here guiding our trip: God is already in New York.  He's everywhere.  So if I just stay in His presence at all times and act as His hands and feet in whatever situation I'm in, it doesn't matter if I forget to say something I feel is necessary or am afraid to ride the subway (which I was, but after 30 times, the fear really does have to subside). He's going to accomplish what He has planned regardless of us.  We are simply here with an important job: to serve as loving messengers of His truth.  Another thing I've learned is from Jeremiah 29, which my group leader recommended.  Basically, it's a letter to exiles, encouraging them to stay in the city they have been exiled to and live, love, and help the city flourish.  Eventually they will return home, but they must stay where they are and follow God devoutly.  Now, what I got from this passage really connects to a verse I read the other day. I have it mostly memorized, so I'll just type what I remember, but it's in Psalms if you want to find it.  Anyway, it essentially encourages believers to stay strong and courageous and keep their hope in the Lord.  It's one of the first verses I've ever memorized, and it's really kept me strong through the crazy amounts of walking and new experiences I've had this week. It connects to the other verse because in a way, all of us on this trip have been exiled from our home, where it's comfortable and safe, to a city that's new and different.  In fact, it's so different that one of the staff here said it's like the international mission trip you don't have to go out of the country for.  Anyway, while we're here, we have to serve with love and pour into the city.  We must help it to flourish, because the future of our brothers and sisters in Heaven depends on it. Soon, we will get to return home, but we must be strong and courageous while we aren't there.  That's what I've grown to understand while I'm here.  So, to live missionally is to humbly be God's hands and feet wherever He has us and to be strong and courageous.  Even when we are just grabbing a coffee on campus.  

Words I Most Often Say

So, I just created a word cloud from Wordle a website where you can create word clouds from words you type in or words it gathers from a blog.  I typed in the url to this blog and this is what it created.  I just think it's really cool that these are the most common words I write.  Its interesting to look at what words are bigger (more popular), because it just says so much about what I try to say when I post.  Here it is!! I highly recommend making one.

A Post Dedicated to An Angel in Heaven

I just want to make a quick, but heartfelt post about Victoria.  Victoria was and still is the very loved and missed younger sister of my best friend, Sarah, and to this day still has a profound impact on my life and the lives of everyone who knew her. Today, February 2nd, was her birthday, and February 6th, this Thursday, will be the 11th anniversary of when she went home to be with Jesus.  I wrote this poem below in memory of her and in support of her family. 

After 11 Years
It was a cold February day when Life took her breath away. I wished and wished that I could be The friend they needed in me. But it was her who pointed at the cross. Love was felt, though life was lost. We'll all remember that snowy day when God took her home, but not away. 


 

Stop. Now Turn and Look at the Godly Friends You Have.

Lately I've felt like its time for me to change.  Not like an attempt to change myself, but rather a surrender to truly let God work in me and change me.  And in the past few days I've learned something.  Other than reading the Bible and praying, looking at the people in your life who are also working to glorify God is a wonderful way to get better.  For instance, my roommate is able to embody this verse better than anyone I know, and I wish more than anything I could too but it's definitely a weakness.
  
"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and   slow to get angry."
-James 1:19

Before I read this last night, I thought it was perfectly okay to constantly have an opinion and express how I feel all the time.  I always wondered why she would sit quietly while I just spilled over, talking and talking and never for a second considering how it might make her feel.  And she's not the only one I've done this to.
What I realized is that she has it way more figured out than me.  I am so thankful to be friends with someone who can listen without even thinking about it, consider everything she says, and never hesitates to forgive.  If I want to change for the better, this is one of the things, of many, where I could learn from her.  And I'm going to try to do this with other friends too, after spending time with God first of course.  
If you're thinking and praying about letting God in to mold you to be more like Him, do it.  Because I've never learned more than when I did.
I hope its okay that I've written an entire post dedicated to her because to be honest, I think she deserves it.  And if its her that's reading this, your friendship is worth more to me than you'll ever know.