As Graduation Looms...

Graduation is getting closer and closer.  And of course, I have began to wish my life away.  Since the 200 day mark, I've taken a few minutes out of each week to watch the seconds go down on this countdown as time and I slowly walk towards the rest of my life.  So, I thought I'd just take a minute to appreciate what I have now and how I've gotten here.  This is four years in the making, so we'll go back in time a bit and see what all has happened. 
First of all, thank you.
To all my roommates over these four years:  Thank you for late night conversations, for dealing with the chaotic mess that is my dwelling place, for my late night food runs.  Thank you for being my home when my childhood home wasn't my home anymore.
To all the friends I've lost and the ones I still have:  Thank you for being my family and for growing me into who I am today.  Thank you for the gray areas that taught me how to think for myself.  Thank you for showing me what it means to be a friend.
To all my mentors: Thank you for taking the time to inspire me, to teach me, and to push me.  There are so many of you who took the time out to give me wise advice and to challenge me to think in new ways.  Thank you for inspiring me to be a mentor to someone else one day.
To my "guardian angels":  There are many people at this beautiful university who have entered my life briefly as a huge blessing.  Thank you to the blond haired girl who saw me walking on crutches attempting to carry a backpack and food to my dorm in the rain and stopped to help me carry my things.  Thank you to the numerous people I talked to about God my freshman and sophomore years who helped me build my relationship with Him. Thank you to the people who pulled out of their close parking spot just when I needed it in order to be on time to class.  Sometimes, we just have bad days and its the little things that make it all worth it.

Second of all, I should appreciate where I am now.
Student teaching is by far the hardest thing I've ever woken up every day and done.  It is a learning experience that has changed and is changing me for the better.  I am learning everyday, and these next 59 days will lead me to learn even more.

So, if you're like me and you couldn't wait to be 15 to get a permit, 16 to drive a car, 18 to go to college, 21 to buy a drink, etc, let's just take a minute to breathe and not miss those years we always want to skip.  If we skipped them what would we have to tell our grandkids? 5 million seconds doesn't seem like that many if they are all worthwhile.

No More Justifying

The inner workings of a college senior student teacher's mind:

Ugh. Is that my alarm?  Already?  Okay..... (untangles sheets from self, fumbles out of bed)

I'll just make myself some coffee and check Facebook.  (puts last K-cup in the Keurig, mutters silently to self about how I'll have to buy more)

....checks Facebook....

Scrolling...scrolling...An article about teaching?  Sounds interesting (Opens article)

Oh..."Why I'm Not a Teacher for the Pay"  (Reads half of article, sighs, closes article)

This process occurs several times almost every day for me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.  When you're almost a licensed teacher or on your merry way to being one in a few years, it's all you can do to get through a social media check without coming upon yet another article about one of the following topics:

Why Teaching is A Fulfilling Career

Why Teachers Don't Become Teachers Because of the Pay

Why Teachers Are in Fact Worth Something to Society

I'm done with it.  Frankly, I'm tired of seeing and reading these articles.  They aren't okay for 2 reasons. 

One: We as teachers should not have to justify ourselves and our career to anyone. I'm not sure who exactly these articles are addressing; it could be a fellow college student who made a degrading comment, another article on Facebook, or even a friend or family member.  No matter who it is, it doesn't really matter.  The worst thing we as teachers could do is fire back violently because it only proves that there was a reason for the comment to be said in the first place.  Instead, let's disregard all comments that make us feel less fulfilled, less appreciated, or unworthy because they have no merit anyway.  Anyone who has taught or had a teacher should know the tremendous amount of work it takes every day to ensure the growth of our students.  If for some reason they don't know, then let's prove it to them through our unwavering hard work and compassion for our students instead of wasting time advertising how wounded we are.

Two: Teaching is not more important or more noble or more difficult than all other careers.  Yes, it is a huge undertaking; trust me I know, but all careers in this world contribute to society in some shape or form and are therefore valuable.  It was the superior mindset that one career is somehow above another that got us into this mess in the first place.  Let's not reverse the pattern and hurt someone else. 

Overall, I'm certainly not blameless when it comes to perpetuating this grossly inaccurate perception of educators.  I've shared a fair amount of these articles and felt hurt by how others around me perceived the work of teachers.  All I want is for us to see that we as teachers are valuable, intelligent, hard-working members of this world we live in.  We shouldn't give a passing thought to anyone who insists otherwise.

Look for what they left you.

     There are some days when you keep seeing the faces and hearing the voices of those you wish were still actually around. It's all in the small things. I remember my Grandpa when I see donuts at the gas station, a corn field, or experience the painful sting of watching someone smoke as I foresee what will come later for them. Sometimes just seeing a particular brand of car or smelling a specific food can whisk you back to the place you wish more than anything you could reside in. 

     What I've realized during a time period recently of loss, both physical and social, is that we are so very temporary. What we have is so fragile. I've begun to see that, while this loss has done its best to get me to forget my God, He has been sovereign and taught me something through it all: look for what they leave you. 

     Look for your invisible inheritance, those things that you would not have had the person you lost never entered your life. 

     My Grandpa left behind his unwavering willingness to work hard, something I see when my family pulls together one Saturday to help my dad mow the lawn with a tiny push mower as our lawnmower is repaired. I hear his voice in the phrases I have now picked up unconsciously. He's not gone. He stamped us with his traits so that we would never forget. I am his granddaughter and that doesn't change because we're just apart right now. 

     If you've lost a few friends like I have, look for the confidence your college best friend instilled in you that will never fade. Look for the long drives at night, the conversations until 3 am, and the jokes that will still give you fond memories in the years to come. They were here. Now they're not. Make every moment last so that one day in eternity we'll all look back and say, "Wow, I'm so glad to be here with you again so I can tell you the story of how your impact mattered later on after we were apart for a while." 

     I guess this rant is mostly about acceptance. Accept where you are. Do and say what you feel you should, and don't do or say what you feel like you shouldn't.  Don't miss out on a moment by holding onto moments that have already faded away. We're too young and life's too short to not just let go sometimes. Just stand up and go on an adventure.  Don't forget to look for what they left you. 

In Between the Lines

Whatever meaning you associate with this post's title, set aside for a moment. I have realized something so beautiful that I just had to share. 

I'm sure many of you have heard or at least understand that in life and our walks with God we will have mountains, valleys, and seemingly endless wasteland. 

Close your eyes and consider first your valleys. Those times that cut deep, when you weren't who God intended for you to be, or when someone else or a circumstance was painful. Notice that those valleys are specifically linked to a moment, or moments. They take place in the regular constraints of time: yesterday when I failed a test, two minutes ago when I received a judging stare. The same goes for the wasteland. Specific eras of time contain the moments we feel the most alone. 

Transfer your thoughts now to your mountains. It should be a smooth and comforting transition. We like to think about those moments that fill us with joy and hope. One thing I've noticed as of late and hope you will see too is that these moments aren't as held down by units of time. Yes, we get compliments in a specific minute, but the warmth and love we feel isn't held back by time. Another beautiful part of this is that the very best, most special parts of life seem to happen in the voids of time we expect nothing will fill. One night in college we haven't slept more than 8 hours in 3 days, haven't left any effort to spare, and feel confused the person we never expected to have an impact does. We get to look at other people for their raw soul in the times we just expected to go home and sleep. Even though sleep seems like it would be healthiest physically, it seems that we as humans are more than that. Our souls inhabit our  bodies and these moments of joy are when the soul needs something more than the body. It's almost as if growing, learning, and feeling overpowers our physical need to survive. It only lends evidence to the idea that we are more than just bodies on an earth that came from nothing. Our very souls yearn for true love and joy that can only come from viewing the world through God's eyes.

I know that this post is leaning way on the philosophical side. All I want is for you to see that sometimes we need to accept our brokenness and let our time be filled with the moments that truly matter, the moments in between the lines of time. 

   Okay.  Here's a doozy that we've all been afraid to talk about at some point or another.  Sex.  If you're a Christian, grew up under a Christian influence, or are, let's be honest, any resident of the Bible belt, I'm willing to bet you've heard one or more the following buzzwords:

purity
promise
ring
"I'm married to Jesus."
"We're waiting."
virginity
commitment
abstinence

   These words, if used in the right context can be okay.  However, in an imperfect church in an imperfect world, it just takes one person using them in a non-Biblical way to skew someone's outlook on Biblical sex and even the Bible as a whole forever.
   I read the article, "I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and I Wish I Hadn't" today, and to be honest, I can totally see where she is coming from.  The part that makes me sad is that her experiences led to her leaving the faith and a relationship with God.  I wish so much that I could go back in time and make sure those in her church, who I'm sure had good intentions, don't say what they did to her, but as far as I know, time travel is impossible as of 2014, so I'll say it here.
   Before I go into this, let me just clarify that I've never been married, nor do I have any experience with what she went through, but I grew up in a different way than she did, and I think it's not only important for me to write this to work through it in my own head, but also for those reading this who may experience a similar situation in the future.  So, if you disagree, that's fine.  I'm fully aware this subject is like walking on hot coals.  Even though I try to make it as Biblical as possible, I'm inevitably going to step wrong somewhere and get burned.  I'm human after all.
   There are a few points in the article that I want to hone in on, the first being the emphasis she puts on the fact that she was only a 10 year old who "played with Barbie dolls and had tea parties with imaginary friends," at the time of her purity pledge.  While her lack of maturity at this time is an important fact to consider, I disagree with how much emphasis she puts on it.  I don't think she should've been put in a situation with other girls her age where they all made a promise to God that they in no way understood.  She should've been given healthy, Biblical information on sex and how God views her as a beautiful woman, and then been left to eventually make that choice on her own later on between only her and God. Also, she should've been given this information at the age appropriate for her.  My parents have always been great with this.  It may seem taboo or crazy, but when I was little, I wasn't ever told about a "baby-dropping stork."  The moment I began asking about where babies came from, etc. pretty often my mom took time to sit me down and talk to me at a level appropriate for a six-year-old about sex.  She told me exactly what happened, about how Biblical sex happens between two people who love each other, and how good sex is selfless.  As I grew up, she kept the table open for any questions I may have had, and never once made me uncomfortable for anything I was confused about.  Then, when I was 17, I asked my parents for a purity ring after prayerfully considering it myself.
     Also, pledging purity is not something we promise to God, contrary to popular belief.  In fact, we aren't even supposed to make promises to God because we usually can't keep them.  There is no way we can be certain that we keep a promise we make to God to avoid sin because we are sinful creatures.  Rather, when we pledge purity, we wear a ring to remind ourselves of our call to glorify God in everything we do.  Even if we were to mess up, the ring would still be a symbol of our devotion to serving God in our purity and God's forgiveness when we go astray.  I would even go so far as to say it would be okay to continue to wear a purity ring during marriage because it's not about abstaining from the act of sex.  In marriage, it's still just as important to keep God at the center of your intimacy.  When you don't consciously remember to put God first in everything as a couple, your sex is sinful because it is no longer a selfless way of loving each other.
     As far as the author being told that her husband doesn't need to stay pure and that all the focus should be on pleasing him, that's just plain wrong and definitely not Biblical.  In Proverbs 5:15-18, it says, "...share your love only with your wife.  Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves.  Never share it with strangers.  Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you..."  
     Essentially, I'm just sad that the author's church's view of sex drove her away from God.  That's why it's so important that we as believers aren't afraid to talk about this anymore.  Yes, it's important that it's discussed in the right setting and with the right people.  For instance I would never say this should be discussed in depth in a Sunday school classroom of both high school girls and boys.  However, there's nothing wrong with discussing it when it's appropriate.  Making sex taboo makes sex issues taboo which can in turn make God a taboo in someone's life.  Let's avoid that at all costs. 

6 Lessons in 6 Months

     It has been a long time since I posted.  So long, in fact, that I have a hard time relating to the person I was in the last few posts.  I felt that I should return, at this point in my college career, and write something because if this many changes can happen in such a short time, tonight is the only chance I have to write this as exactly who I am today. 
     For lack of a better writing plan and due to the late hour, I am going to write this in the form of a list.  Now, without further ado, here are 6 things I've learned in just 6 more months of this crazy beautiful thing called college.

1) Fake it till you make it.
Yes, this sounds terrible on first read.  I assure you, don't take this advice as it comes.  When it comes down to it, though, it's really all you can do at first.  At 20, you've finally reached the point where your career and responsibilities seem to be creeping in.  It's exciting, new, fresh, but also the most uncomfortable thing in the universe.  Take this opportunity to put your feelers out.  Be a leader.  Be who you want to be.  It'll feel different, but it's supposed to.  If you don't set the foundation for what you will be now, you'll find yourself stuck in 20 years.

2) Choose friends who are equals, who aren't judgmental, and who understand time constraints.
This doesn't mean stop being friends with the people you know who don't exactly fit this category.  Every friend is wonderful in their own way and has a purpose.  As you make new friends, though, seek out those who are in the same place as you, who let you experiment with who you are, and who never make you feel like you can't do.  Also, friends should understand that being 20 means never having more than 20 minutes of free time.  You'll see each other when you see each other and cherish those laughs, late night conversations, weekend visits, and funny texts forever.

3) Let yourself feel.
As you start to enter a world that's different, you will find yourself needing to be mature, professional, and an adult.  It's your last chance to feel young.  Dye your hair blue one last time.  Act like a kid when you can.  Get that tattoo!! Cry your eyes out about lost friends, rant about bad situations, laugh like crazy when it's called for, appreciate silence for once.  If you haven't figured it out yet, yourself is all you can be.  Let it happen.

4) Have an open mind.
Don't be so set in your ways that you never see what's out there.  Every single person on this earth was born differently, raised differently, and sees the world in a way specific to their purpose.  Understand that you're not always right and that there are gray areas in life.  Try to see things the way others do.

5) Nothing lasts forever.  
I've found, quite painfully, that everything ends.  I used to live in a world where I believed nothing good could end if you worked hard enough.  It's actually quite the opposite.  Most unbelievably beautiful experiences last for a short time without any explanation or full understanding.  We appreciate them so much more because we can never have them back.  There are times that our best friendships exist with a person who only can coexist with us for the short time that our personalities work together.  Then, people change, life changes, and we move on.  It doesn't mean love goes away, just that we can no longer experience life together because we're meant for something more. It hurts so inconceivably bad, but it's just life.  When it hurts, it mattered.

6) When you walk out that door, don't forget your faith.
I've found time and time again that I wake up wanting to live this life on my own so that there wasn't anyone in control but me.  I've learned even in the dry spells that the only clear path comes with God.  If your only interaction with Him has to be yelling in prayer for a while, so be it.  Just never cut it off completely, even when things seem confusing and hazy.


 

Just a speck of dust loving the rain

     In the outer hall of the main meeting room, by a long table absolutely covered in gray shirts, with two friends I've only grown close to just recently, I let the words, "Come thou fount of every blessing" flow out of the room where everyone else was and bring me back to a God I'd ignored all of the long summer.

     In the buzzing light of my rectangular porch, a night of 100 nights that I was alone, I made the paintbrush an extension of my hand for the first time in my life and made the blue streaks of the paint as I finally felt okay completely and blissfully alone. 

     Isn't it funny that the times we will always remember are times we never expected to be that meaningful? There are so many other times like that in my life, too many to count, times that creeped up behind me and became something that was just a part of me without me even noticing until they had. 

    And that, I've figured out, is what life is all about. In just 5 minutes, we can make a decision that might mean nothing that may make our 20 years in the future go from a husband and three kids to a successful career as a CEO. That's what's so scary, but it's also what's so great. No matter how scary change is, it keeps going. We can't avoid it. We can't hide from it. We simply live, and the days go on. 

     So try to remember that next time you've forgotten your umbrella and worn slippery shoes on the wettest downpour of the year. Don't throw up your hands and yell out in frustration. Throw those beautiful and free hands up and let the rain wash over you because, you never know, it might be your next memory. Just remember that without God's sovereign breath of life, none of it would happen and we wouldn't even have the opportunity to be thankful for the rain. 

"If it were his intention and he withdrew his spirit and breath, all humanity would perish together and mankind would return to the dust." (Job 34:14, 15 NIV)